All Night

Source: All Night

All night
you would
have me think of you;
like an impetuous dream
among the waking light;
you – that trampling thought
that wears such heavy boots;
that restless feeling
that refuses to lie still beside me;
all night you would dance
and wiggle your hips
and expose your breasts to me;
all night you would have me love you
and refuse me sleep
or even the simple comfort
of speaking to me

– A. Ramirez

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Bullshit, the law of attraction, self love and bridging the gap.

Last night I was talking to this guy I’m interested in.  Sent him this  quiz I thought was funny to get your ‘cute nickname’  We exchanged results and he then told me that the result he got was also the name of one of his ex’s toys.

Generally I’m not very comfortable with expressing vulnerability with people I don’t fully trust.  To be quite honest, I think the only person I really reveal myself to, to the fullest extent (of my current capabilities) is my friend Jocelyn.

But I digress.  I kind of passive-aggressively expressed my discomfort with the information, which then led on to a discussion about bullshit and bullshitting.  He then let me know that he is intense and listens attentively (intently as he put it) and that it would cause me to ‘hate’ him because the extent of his observation causes people to get away with less and less bullshit.

Over the past couple of years I’ve been working on really getting in touch with myself.  Every day I am less and less wrapped up in impressing anyone or trying to get anyone to see me in a certain light.  Trying to just do me and attract the right things and people into my life.

Basically I try to keep bullshit at a minimal.

I expressed that I ‘generally try to avoid bullshitting’  Also made note to let him know that that doesnt mean that I am always open and up front (although these are traits I am working on strengthening).  I then indicated that honest people don’t need good memories and that it takes a lot of work to keep up with your own bullshit.

In response he stated with no intent to ‘insult’ me, that he had heard something along the lines of that [good memory line] from a couple of the biggest liars he had ever known.

I asked if they were able to keep up with their BS and he clarified that it wasn’t necessarily ‘lies’ but more so that the world had always reinforced the feeling of inadequacy in them, so you [he?] could never really tell who they were.

Trying to stay on track with the intent of being open… or trying to open up more and express myself, I let him know that I am still in the process of figuring out who I am.  That not even I am aware to the fullest extent of who I am, regardless, to my utmost abilities I try to be genuine.  That I do so in order to attract the like into my life.  I try to follow the law of attraction.

I actually said ‘rule of attraction’ in which he kind stated that he thought the rule of attraction was that opposites attract.  Although I’ve heard that before, that pushed me to clarify and correct what I said, because that is far from what I was getting at.  I explained that the law of attraction basically attracting what you are: The thoughts you have are the things you manifest, the disposition you have is what you see, the vibrations you emit are the type you attract.  If you’re pessimistic, the world looks crappy.  If you see someone in a bad light, their flaws tend to be much more amplified than their qualities.  If you’re not yourself, you attract others with false ‘identity’

He noted that he saw my claims but professed that it doesn’t seem to be the case for him and the people he encounters.

I asked him if he really thought so, but didn’t really wait for him to answer, rather I just conveyed that the law of attraction seems to be working wonders in my life.  Also made sure to put out that things aren’t going to be perfect all the time (because lets be honest, life is a constant ebb and flow).  But. over the past few years I have really shifted my perception on EVERYTHING.  My sense of self has gotten a lot stronger and my life truly feels like its going in the right direction.  I’m finding motivation from MYSELF (not gonna lie, Jocelyn hella motivates me too.  Shit, even this guy makes me feel motivated)

It works for me.

He claimed that he has never met any one on his ‘realness level’  (and yes,  this guy is one of the few people I’ve met that is incredibly real.  The other two being a couple of my best friends, Stephanie and Jocelyn)

I just replied with “maybe people at your level are few and far between”  And yeah, they are considering I’ve met and befriended many people in my life and I can only count the ‘realest’ on a few fingers, not even a whole hand.  It’s inspiring and definitely a quality I’m trying to emulate.

I said that perhaps being ‘incredibly real’ is both a blessing and a curse.

Bridging the gap  I then linked him to this at this time to share what Snoop Dog had to say.  Although he’s talking about success in the music industry, I really feel is a strong and accurate metaphor of general relationships and success/growth in life as a whole.

I then went on to share a little train of thought that I had in the kitchen a few days prior while washing dishes.   I was thinking about how I love myself more than I could love anyone (aside from my daughter, whom is the only person I wlll probably prioritize higher than myself)

Anyway, I decided to google that to see if someone more relevant than myself had said that in the past, because I didn’t want to quote myself if someone had said something of the like in the past.  (even if someone ‘relevant’ didnt say it, still sure SOMEONE has at least thought it.)  Instead an image popped up, one of those ‘teenager post #1234970’ kind of things.  It was a girl with long hair standing in a field, the sun was at that point where it’s kind of setting but its SUPER bright, kind of causing a slight silhouette. The girls back was towards the photo, faced off toward the sunset.  It had a very melancholy feel.  There was the text plastered over it that said ‘I realize now that you love yourself more than you could ever love me’.  Instead of quoting myself on tumblr, I instead posted this image with the commentary “I hope so, because I love myself more than I could ever love you”  (Though I feel I need to straighten out that just because I cant, or wont love someone as much as I love myself, doesn’t mean that they cant come damn near close. Heck, you know what?  Perhaps I COULD love another as much as I love myself… Loving yourself grants you the ability to truly love others)

Oh, I’ve also been listening to Shake it off by Taylor Swift on repeat since yesterday.  My new favorite song.

Shake it off – Taylor Swift
/abrupt end

reflection post #2

Looking back through my posts:

I generally take these things with a grain of salt, but still I think things like this are great reflective tools.

the quiz I initially took in 2007, then redid in 2013.  Adding 2014 (todays) results.

After the point, the numbers are, first: results from 2007 and second: results from 2013 (today)

extraverson 50 55 61
stability 56 83 100
orderliness 30 33 33
accomodation 36 50 55
interdependence 50 75 41
intellectual 43 75 100
mystical 50 66 100
artistic 70 66 100
religious 30 91 100 (For this point, I like tho think this more so reflects my spirituality since I take no part in organized religion)
hedonism 90 50 83
materialism 50 41 0
narcissism 43 33 50
adventurousness 83 83 100
work ethic 43 50 66
self absorbed 76 n/a
conflict seeking 50 0 33
need to dominate 56 50 58
romantic 76 38 61
avoidant 63 33 16
anti authority 56 66 75
wealth 36 8 0
dependency 63 50 55
change averse 76 33 11
cautiousness 56 50 58
individuality 70 77 97
sexuality 43 41 100
peter pan complex 76 25 16
physical security 50 n/a
physical fitness 44 66 100
histronic 56 52 16
paranoia 70 16 8
vanity 90 25 33
hypersensitivity 83 83 100
female cliche 63 n/a
indie n/a 75 91

 

somethings have gone up and some down.  It’s delightful to see how much my change aversion has dropped.  Mixed feelings on Hypersensitivity skyrocketing like that, but hey, obviously its always been kind of high. Sexuality and and physical fitness are up, which is nice.  WAY less histronic.  ALSO good.

Vanity has gone up a bit, but its still pretty low. Also good.  Stability at 100, wealth and materialism at 0.  I hope I can maintain this.

This years snap shot:

Stability results were very high which suggests you are extremely relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture

On to the color quiz: http://www.colorquiz.com/
This test has you pic the color that makes you feel best out of a selection of colors.  as you click, a color disappears and you repeat the process each time a color is removed.  When the colors are gone, you should wait about 2 minutes and then repeat.  When you are done you’ll get your results.

Back in 2007 I felt my results were fairly accurate, but once again, I say take the results with a grain of salt.  Some of the results from my run through of the quiz today I definitely need to reflect on. (2013:)not sure if my stress source according to this quiz is completely right, but I definitely dont think I should write it off.

Results of 2007:

YOUR EXISTING SITUATION

Physical illness, over-tension, or emotional distress have taken a severe toll. Her self-esteem has been reduced and now needs peaceful conditions and considerate treatment to permit recovery.

YOUR STRESS SOURCES

An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

YOUR RESTRAINED CHARACTERISTICS

The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

YOUR DESIRED OBJECTIVE

Longs for sensitive and sympathetic understanding and wants to protect herself against argument, conflict, or any exhausting stresses.

YOUR ACTUAL PROBLEM

Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced considerable stress. She tries to escape into an idealized atmosphere of sympathy and understanding, or into a substitute environment of estheticism and beauty.

Results of 2013:

YOUR EXISTING SITUATION

“Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities.”

YOUR STRESS SOURCES

“Feels empty and isolated from others and wishes to overcome this feeling. Believes life has more to offer her than what she was experienced thus far, and doesn’t want to miss out on anything. she purses all her goals and dreams, fearful that any missed opportunity will cause her to miss out on even more. Quickly becomes an expert in any field she pursues and can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy.”

YOUR RESTRAINED CHARACTERISTICS

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.

“Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally.”

Is satisfied and finds contentment through sexual activity.

YOUR DESIRED OBJECTIVE

“Is very intense person who seeks excitement and sexual stimulation. Wants others to see her as an exciting and interesting person, who is also charming and can easily influence others. Uses her charm to increase her chances of success and gain other people’s trust.”

YOUR ACTUAL PROBLEM

Is afraid she will be held back from obtaining the things she wants leading her to act out with a hectic intensity.

YOUR ACTUAL PROBLEM #2

“Fights resistance or limitations, and insists she is free to develop in her own way. Rewarded by accomplishing things on her own, with little to no help from others.”

 

Results of 2014:

Your Existing Situation

“Is not making any progress, but unwilling to put any further effort into the situation. Seeking more comfortable conditions where very little is required of her. ”

Your Stress Sources

“Feels empty and isolated from others and wishes to overcome this feeling. Believes life has more to offer her than what she was experienced thus far, and doesn’t want to miss out on anything. she purses all her goals and dreams, fearful that any missed opportunity will cause her to miss out on even more. Quickly becomes an expert in any field she pursues and can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy.”

Your Restrained Characteristics

 

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

“Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended, which leaves her feeling isolated.”

“Current situation makes her feel unable to prove himself, but tries to make the best of things.”

“Believes her hopes and dreams are realistic, but needs reassurance from others. Has strict standards when looking for a partner and wants guarantees that she will not be disappointed or lose.”

“Although she feels isolated and alone, she is afraid of forming deep, meaningful relationships. Is conceited and is easily offended.”

 

Your Desired Objective

Willing to put aside her own ambitions and goals in order to gain the comfort and security she craves and live a low-key life.

Your Actual Problem

Is afraid she will be held back from obtaining the things she wants leading her to act out with a hectic intensity.

Your Actual Problem #2

“Fights resistance or limitations, and insists she is free to develop in her own way. Rewarded by accomplishing things on her own, with little to no help from others.”

 

 

Not much seems to have changed for the color quiz, and I’m pretty content with that.

my personality type is INFP

Most things I read about my personality type (or any for that matter) tend to stay on the positive side.

 

Since I’m a person who likes to reflect, I decided to look up some of the negative aspects.  I stumbled across this forum discussing all of this.

“Oh, the ironies of being an INFP…

That strong emotional center lets you coax yourself through things that would strike abject terror into the heart of anyone else, yet, at the same time, you break out in a nervous sweat whenever someone expresses even the slightest bit of disapproval in you.

Your potent optimism lets you find the silver lining amongst the stormclouds when it comes to other people’s problems, but when it comes to your own, your total pessimism blinds you to anything but the flash and the thunder.

Your empathy lets you be the Rock that others depend on for their sanity, the Glue that keeps a group of contrasting personalities together, the Sage whose advice spurns others towards action, the Nurturer that brings the best out of anyone, and the Leader who brings all these qualities together, giving others the means to really make their dreams come true. Your apathy keeps you from ever really grasping any of these roles, inclining you instead to undersell yourself and mire in despair while your own dreams slip away from you, day by day.

You constantly feel out of place in a world that doesn’t work the way the storybooks and nursery rhymes say it should, and that doesn’t work with your values system at all and seems constantly rigged to disappoint you at every turn, allowing you brief flashes of happiness only to twist the screws a little harder. And yet, despite that, you still soldier on, why, you don’t know, but you’ll be god damned if you’re going to quit this late in the game.

Also you would be totally awesome in the sack, but, well, how many people know that?”

 

A lot of the things said in this thread hit the nail right on the head (the last line in that exerpt also made me laugh)

Anyway, thought I would share, and I’d like to keep a record of this so I can look back on it.

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/20936-negative-aspects-infp-their-effects.html