Last night I was talking to this guy I’m interested in. Sent him this quiz I thought was funny to get your ‘cute nickname’ We exchanged results and he then told me that the result he got was also the name of one of his ex’s toys.
Generally I’m not very comfortable with expressing vulnerability with people I don’t fully trust. To be quite honest, I think the only person I really reveal myself to, to the fullest extent (of my current capabilities) is my friend Jocelyn.
But I digress. I kind of passive-aggressively expressed my discomfort with the information, which then led on to a discussion about bullshit and bullshitting. He then let me know that he is intense and listens attentively (intently as he put it) and that it would cause me to ‘hate’ him because the extent of his observation causes people to get away with less and less bullshit.
Over the past couple of years I’ve been working on really getting in touch with myself. Every day I am less and less wrapped up in impressing anyone or trying to get anyone to see me in a certain light. Trying to just do me and attract the right things and people into my life.
Basically I try to keep bullshit at a minimal.
I expressed that I ‘generally try to avoid bullshitting’ Also made note to let him know that that doesnt mean that I am always open and up front (although these are traits I am working on strengthening). I then indicated that honest people don’t need good memories and that it takes a lot of work to keep up with your own bullshit.
In response he stated with no intent to ‘insult’ me, that he had heard something along the lines of that [good memory line] from a couple of the biggest liars he had ever known.
I asked if they were able to keep up with their BS and he clarified that it wasn’t necessarily ‘lies’ but more so that the world had always reinforced the feeling of inadequacy in them, so you [he?] could never really tell who they were.
Trying to stay on track with the intent of being open… or trying to open up more and express myself, I let him know that I am still in the process of figuring out who I am. That not even I am aware to the fullest extent of who I am, regardless, to my utmost abilities I try to be genuine. That I do so in order to attract the like into my life. I try to follow the law of attraction.
I actually said ‘rule of attraction’ in which he kind stated that he thought the rule of attraction was that opposites attract. Although I’ve heard that before, that pushed me to clarify and correct what I said, because that is far from what I was getting at. I explained that the law of attraction basically attracting what you are: The thoughts you have are the things you manifest, the disposition you have is what you see, the vibrations you emit are the type you attract. If you’re pessimistic, the world looks crappy. If you see someone in a bad light, their flaws tend to be much more amplified than their qualities. If you’re not yourself, you attract others with false ‘identity’
He noted that he saw my claims but professed that it doesn’t seem to be the case for him and the people he encounters.
I asked him if he really thought so, but didn’t really wait for him to answer, rather I just conveyed that the law of attraction seems to be working wonders in my life. Also made sure to put out that things aren’t going to be perfect all the time (because lets be honest, life is a constant ebb and flow). But. over the past few years I have really shifted my perception on EVERYTHING. My sense of self has gotten a lot stronger and my life truly feels like its going in the right direction. I’m finding motivation from MYSELF (not gonna lie, Jocelyn hella motivates me too. Shit, even this guy makes me feel motivated)
It works for me.
He claimed that he has never met any one on his ‘realness level’ (and yes, this guy is one of the few people I’ve met that is incredibly real. The other two being a couple of my best friends, Stephanie and Jocelyn)
I just replied with “maybe people at your level are few and far between” And yeah, they are considering I’ve met and befriended many people in my life and I can only count the ‘realest’ on a few fingers, not even a whole hand. It’s inspiring and definitely a quality I’m trying to emulate.
I said that perhaps being ‘incredibly real’ is both a blessing and a curse.
Bridging the gap I then linked him to this at this time to share what Snoop Dog had to say. Although he’s talking about success in the music industry, I really feel is a strong and accurate metaphor of general relationships and success/growth in life as a whole.
I then went on to share a little train of thought that I had in the kitchen a few days prior while washing dishes. I was thinking about how I love myself more than I could love anyone (aside from my daughter, whom is the only person I wlll probably prioritize higher than myself)
Anyway, I decided to google that to see if someone more relevant than myself had said that in the past, because I didn’t want to quote myself if someone had said something of the like in the past. (even if someone ‘relevant’ didnt say it, still sure SOMEONE has at least thought it.) Instead an image popped up, one of those ‘teenager post #1234970’ kind of things. It was a girl with long hair standing in a field, the sun was at that point where it’s kind of setting but its SUPER bright, kind of causing a slight silhouette. The girls back was towards the photo, faced off toward the sunset. It had a very melancholy feel. There was the text plastered over it that said ‘I realize now that you love yourself more than you could ever love me’. Instead of quoting myself on tumblr, I instead posted this image with the commentary “I hope so, because I love myself more than I could ever love you” (Though I feel I need to straighten out that just because I cant, or wont love someone as much as I love myself, doesn’t mean that they cant come damn near close. Heck, you know what? Perhaps I COULD love another as much as I love myself… Loving yourself grants you the ability to truly love others)
Oh, I’ve also been listening to Shake it off by Taylor Swift on repeat since yesterday. My new favorite song.
Shake it off – Taylor Swift